A Short Recess

6, April 2011 at 9:53 PM (conflicted, sad or sorry for myself, trapped) (, , , , , , )

I keep thinking about this blog and whether or not to make it visible. On the one hand, I’ve seen some of these be very helpful to people who are going through similar things. Of course, if my experiences can be helpful to others, I want to share them. On the other hand, I have an extreme fear he will retaliate for the existence of this blog. I could wish him to be the kind of person who would not do that, but I can’t be sure.

From what I know, he doesn’t seem like the vengeful type, but I guess considering the circumstances one can never be too careful as far as that goes. During the course of our relationship he did on several occasions violate my privacy, sharing with strangers, his family and both his and my friends things I said or things about me that I told him were just between him and me, or that I felt were things that normal couples share and simply know it isn’t cool to go spreading all over town. He says he does this because he’s seeking support, he’s just trying to talk to people about his experiences in this relationship to “get perspective”, but there’s something else happening. He swears it isn’t intentional, but he seems to always manage to tell my and our private things in such a way that lacks diplomacy, sensitivity and good will, and often results in his listeners defending his character, actions and behaviours and condemning mine. Huh. He also exhibits a great deal of carelessness, such as using my extremely unique name (I’m the only one in town) in a group setting consisting of people whom I can’t know who they may be or who they may know or where anything he says may or may not be carried outside the group. When I have objected, protested, complained, or even just expressed a concern, I have been accused of instilling in him a tremendous fear of talking to other people about anything. Which puts me in a stuck place, doesn’t it. Either I accept that my and our private issues become public domain and/or conversation fodder and/or gossip material, or I accept being accused of abusively isolating him and “threatening his mental health. ” Not much of a choice for me, is it. Lose, or lose. I’m so sick of feeling exposed and misjudged and scared that pretty soon everything about me or everything I’ve gone through is going to be known to some-hundred of his facebook friends, many of which are people I know too, because it “helps” him to tell people what a nightmarish existence he’s been living since meeting me, and how damaging it has been to him. He also has a grievance (I just found out about a year after the fact and from 1300 miles away) about my unwillingness to climb a ladder due to being afraid of heights. “Support”, “perspective”, um…?

Well golly gee, all the information out there says that abusers do exactly as he did and does in order to isolate their victim and discredit their victim’s character and reputation so that if they ever do come forward about their experiences, they won’t be listened to, believed, or otherwise taken seriously 😦 Others do it to cultivate sympathy and attention for themselves; still others are seeking to be validated and/or enabled. He says he does it for none of these reasons, but… he does it, reaps every of the “rewards”, and there’s nothing I can say or do about that.

Especially now that he is focusing on re-establishing broken or neglected ties with his old friends and social circles, and his current “thing” (and oh yes, I can hear him now telling me that calling this his “thing” is abusive!) is to, eh… claim the abuser is the abused… I live in dread and fear that all it will take is one status update on facebook and not only will sympathy come pouring through the internet for the poor guy, but my name will be associated with reactions of shock and horror that I turned out to be such an awful, terrible partner and human being. I don’t have facebook, so I can’t know what people are going to (think they) know about me. I stay out of people’s way. It’s not my style to engage in preventative or reactionary gossip battles. And worst of all, I live in a town where no one seems to have the balls to come up to someone and say, hey, ya know, I heard this and I just wanted to get your side of it/let you know it doesn’t affect the impression I have of you from my own interactions with you directly. That would be freakin’ noble! But it simply does not happen here.

I would hope that he would see the difference between this– completely devoid of identifying information and not read by anyone who would ever know who he is– and even the most innocent-seeming facebook update or post on his own personal blog. But I’ve hoped a lot of things about this guy, and came out always the loser for having overestimated him.

So I don’t know what to do 😦 Help myself and possibly others, or continue to fear his potential to retaliate and/or his plain belief (and power to communicate that belief to others as unbiased, objective Truth) that I stole his brain two years ago and have been kneading it like a ball of dough ever since.

I could hope that if he wanted to read this blog that he might use it as a sort of mirror, unflattering to himself and his ego as it may be, and someday get help with certain of his behaviours. I saw a lady’s blog once that chronicled everything that she experienced in her relationship and was going through after she and her partner were separated. He finally broke down and admitted his problems and committed to getting help for himself and for them both from the angle that he had been abusive toward her. She kept sharing on her blog how their therapy was going and all the discomforts and difficulties associated with trying to re-establish their relationship, mend their broken trusts and violated boundaries and everything. I thought they were both pretty heroic– the sheer honesty it required of her partner to get to that point and accept also her need to keep journaling online about it. But it’s out there now, a record of two people working hard and doing a lot of painful shit because they loved each other. Aww. Well I’m not going to say my blog will ever get that interesting or have any sort of major and unexpected plot twist like hers did. But I created it anyways for the same reason she originally did: to get through the hard parts of the days, weeks, months to come. I hope at the very least my former partner would sympathise with at least that much and understand my intentions with it are innocent.

Finally, I also debate whether to keep this blog hidden from him because access to it would allow him to be privy to what I think, what I’m going through, and things going on in my life, whereas I’d still not know jack shit about him. (Of course, that imbalance wouldn’t be in any way different than it has been the entire time I’ve known him.) Come to think of it, I shouldn’t even be worried about this. He never took an interest in anything I’ve ever written before, so there is absolutely no reason in the world to think he would now. Yet there’s still a part of me that wishes he’d really listen to me, believe me, take me seriously, and do something about it to become a better man, for himself, and for us.

But there is no us.

I’m sad today.

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