This is yet another blog created by a person who has recently decided to end an abusive relationship. It is called “So Far Away” for three reasons: First, because I would consider my former partner’s emotional distance, known variously as withdrawal, withholding, underloading, detachment, etc, as being the most pervasive, hurtful, and damaging behaviour that infected and eventually killed the relationship (update: as I have learned more about abuse, I would correct this statement to say that the most pervasive, damaging and destructive aspect of the abuse was his employment of gaslighting; I am also still timidly considering the consequences of his sexual abuse, but I confess to being afraid of looking at that too closely at this time…). Second, because he is now (at least physically) gone from my life. And third, because a letter I received from him today reveals to me just how far away he is from being able to acknowledge and take responsibility for his destructive and abusive behaviours and actions, and therefore how far he is from ever getting help to change them by learning how to be a fully honest, more compassionate and more present individual and partner.

It is not my intention with this blog to make a personal recording of what a monsterous person he was. I do not see him that way, I do not hate him, and I do not consider him my enemy. Although I am sure I will have my days when I feel angry, frustrated, misjudged, misunderstood, bitter, sarcastic, jealous or all of the above, I will do my best to continue to talk about what he did as his actions and behaviours, not something inherent to or defining of his personality or character. So I say things like, his behaviour was abusive, and not he is an abusive person. What I mean to suggest by this is that I believe there are some people who can get help with their behaviours, who can right their wrongs, who can learn to function in healthier ways in their relationships. I do not at all believe this is true of everyone, so no one in an abusive relationship should misconstrue my belief as an endorsement of their partner’s ability to change. Every person and situation is different, and unfortunately the majority of people who are hurting others and themselves with their abusiveness probably will not change. As the old saying goes, “Power does not yield power willingly.” In my situation, however, I think my former partner had and has the potential to change and grow. So while I may not always be successful identifying or locating the abuse with his behaviour and actions rather than with his person, I intend to do my best. And, I suppose like everyone else who starts a blog like this, I am currently isolated and feel unheard; writing for myself, to no one in particular, I hope will prove therapeutic.

No one need tell me that a lot of what I wrote above, my excess giving of the benefit of the doubt and continued hope that he could change just makes me a textbook example of an abused person. I know it. 😕     brixton kent domestic abuse blog


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