Warning: If you are in any type of intimate relationship where there is abuse– verbal, emotional, psychological (ie: gaslighting, crazymaking), sexual, or physical — and the abuser suggests “couples” or “partners” counseling as a means to try to “work things out” or as an ultimatum to stay in the relationship – DON’T fall for it. Couples counseling does NOT work where there is abuse in a relationship because it does not address the issue. Get your own individual, separate counseling to help deal with the abuse. If there is abuse, then abuse is the ONLY issue — not “communication” problems or any other type of mutual interaction problem, so couples counseling will not address this situation properly — and may in fact make it worse. Do what is right for and will help YOU:

National Domestic Violence Hotline (US and Canada)

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
TTY: 1-800-787-3224
+ Provides 24/7 assistance with crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to local resources and help. All abused partners and young people are welcome to call with any issue regarding abuse or control in a relationship, or just because something is happening in their relationship that is making them uncomfortable.

Good websites I have found:

National Domestic Violence Hotline
+ Includes “quick escape” button and advice on computer safety.

Escape Abuse!
+ Dedicated to Anyone Who Has Ever Been in an Abusive Relationship

You Are Not Crazy
+ This website is wholly, compassionately dedicated to the women who have fought to love and understand in total solitude the men who have emotionally abused them, and then tell her she deserves it. Then, to top it all off, he steadfastly denies it all as he charms everyone he meets, just like he did to her when they first met. If you are one of these women, welcome to your tribe. We believe you, and your struggle and pain is very real. You are no longer alone, and you are not crazy.

I highly, highly recommend this book:

Why Does He DO That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft.
On goodreads, on amazon, or request from your local library.
+ Compassionately written to help you untangle the knot an abusive partner has tied in your head. Reveals the distorted thought processes and unhealthy beliefs that can lead men to control or intimidate women, explains how abusive men can overcome their problems, and empowers women to regain control of their own lives whether their partner changes or not. Includes:
+ The nine types of abusers, and how to assess how much danger you could be in from each;
+ The early warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship;
+ The tactics and techniques abusive men use to confuse and control their partners;
+ The reasons why so many men get away with abuse– and how and why friends, family, and even mental health professionals ignore, condone, and encourage their behaviour;
+ The effects of abuse on children, even when it is not directed toward them;
+ How to determine whether a relationship can improve or whether it’s time to go– and how to leave it safely.



  1. lefthandofeminism said,

    This is a wonderfully helpful and informative post. Thank you so much for bringing attention to domestic violence in your blog. I write often about this topic and invite you to check out and comment on my most recent post:

  2. distant spark said,

    Thank you, Kimberly, for your supportive comment. I read your post, what a horror. 😦

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